Go with me here guys. I consider myself to be an intelligent person, but over the last three years I’ve had some pretty astonishing “DUH” moments. Yes, I am entirely blaming pregnancy/motherhood. I was in the drug store the other day, and by design, I fell into the trap of eyeballing all of the impulse purchase items that they have so thoughtfully displayed by the register as I waited in line. The packaging of one item in particular caught my eye, so I picked it up and read a bit more. Before I knew it, that little impulse item was in my basket. I couldn’t wait to try it out. I’d never seen anything like it. The product did exactly what the packaging promised and I couldn’t believe it. Blissfully unaware, I thought to myself, “So cool! I’m going to get this for stocking stuffers for everyone I know!” It wasn’t until later that I thought to myself… wait… is this a sex toy?
I debated about even writing this post, because if this is in fact an innocent gimmick item, then I am outing myself as a dirty-minded pervert. Ultimately I decided that was a risk I was willing to take, because honestly this stuff is so cool and if nothing else, is quite a conversation piece. SO. What is it?
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you DR. LIP BANG’S LIP FREAK, The Strongest Buzzing Lip Balm in the Whole World.
My guess is that at this point half of you are thinking “LIP BANG? How could she not know this is intended for sexual escapades?!”, and the other half are probably thinking what I originally thought, which was “oh I wonder if this is one of those plumping lip balms?!” Let me elaborate.
The packaging is enticing. It has a cool vintage-ish vibe to it, which is what made me pick it up in the first place. It also says 100% natural, so it’s basically a health food too, right? The flavor name is “Berry Sinister”… sounds good. Berries. Yum.
So I bought it and unboxed it as soon as I got back to work. It looked like normal lip stuff and smelled great, so I smeared it on. Immediately it felt cool and tingly. Oh this is good, I thought, and I wondered if it would really plump up my lips. But no buzzing, because how could that even be possible, right? I didn’t think anything else about it until exactly two minutes later.
Then is started. The tingling intensified until my lips felt like they were visibly shaking. They felt warm and were buzzing like I was holding a gallon of fizzy Coke on my face. WHAT THA?…
The vibrating was so intense that I genuinely did get freaked out when someone came into my office to ask me a question. I thought there was no way possible that they wouldn’t be able to actually see what was happening to my face. (They didn’t.)
I looked in the mirror. Nope, nothing. They appeared to be just perfectly moisturized lips. You couldn’t at all see that my lips were buzzing so hard that my eyeballs were almost shaking. It lasted for an astounding TWENTY minutes.
At that particular moment, sitting at my desk, my only thought was, “this sh*t is CRAZY!” But later that day it occurred to me that your lips are no different than any other part of your body, so why wouldn’t wherever you put it buzz too?… that thought was followed by, “wait… is that the point of this stuff?! IS THIS A SEX TOY?” And then I was horrified that it didn’t even occur to me to be embarrassed when the cashier was checking me out. (Yes, I am a grown ass woman who is still embarrassed by purchasing any “adult-ish” items.)
Then I referred back to the packaging. “For Boys & Girls”, “Lip Bang is a term for making out”, “Freak out the next person you kiss when you transfer LIP FREAK from your lips to theirs”, “Let’s make out”… I must be dense because I barely noticed any of this when I bought it, but Dr. Lip Bang is clearly encouraging sharing…
So is it sharing like in a sixth grade “let’s close-mouth kiss by our lockers” type of way, or is it sharing in an adult “your body parts will vibrate for twenty minutes” kind of way? I’m legitimately asking!
Am I a perv to even have had this thought? Maybe. But you know you want to try it now too! I MEAN ON YOUR LIPS.
This would be an amazing stocking stuffer, so click one of the flavors below to get your own and the mimosas on Christmas morning won’t be the only thing that gets you buzzing!
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